Losing Yourself In Motherhood

Hey Lovelies-

Let’s chat.

Let’s talk about what no one tells you about motherhood. No one tells you exactly how incredibly hard it is. No one alludes to the depths of exhaustion, mentally and physically, it can take you to. No one says how you just wake up one day and have no idea who you are.

Enter me. You should know I was loved beyond measure as a child. My parents worked. I was raised by my dad but my mom was active in my life. So, I didn’t know the SAHM life. I made up what this was supposed to look like in my head and what was supposed to take place and, because I work in extremes, I went all in. There was no happy medium. Anxiety, Depression, kids having special needs-nothing slowed me down. Then, “oh! We ARE homeschooling.” Again, I was all in…

And then, I knew nothing about me. I knew who I was (and if I’m being honest that was wavering because I defined myself by who I wanted to be; I was very much trying to put my finger on the pulse of me while chasing the next adventure. Then “pregnant” appears 27.6 seconds after peeing on a stick.).

I’m not sure if you have ever been there, but this is, I’m sure, where the tread meets the pavement. I would go to my closet and have no idea how to dress. What did I like? What was appropriate? What fits? Does this match? And then I would give up.

I meal plan according to the needs of my family. I had no idea what I really liked to eat. What food just made me happy and smile. I knew what I could eat. I was very aware of what available to me and if I wanted to eat it but what I loved? Not a clue. Friends, not even an inkling.

TV Shows? I’ve always said ‘Greys Anatomy’ is my longest committed relationship. Outside of that, I watched TV for a mental escape so I honestly can’t tell you if I looked forward to these shows because I loved them and they were so great or because I didn’t want to think or feel things about reality. I can tell you when episodes would maybe hit a little close to home, I wasn’t feeling that episode.

Beauty products? For what? I mean, is there more to life than EOS lip balm I share with my kids? Self-care… stahhhhhhp.

So, post-break-down, I started doing the work to know me, who I am right now, in all the mess and all the glory. Guys, it wasn’t pretty. It is a far cry from a work of art now. But I have things I know I like. That is HUGE! I’m also building my personal principles that will do what? Define me! Yay!

What is crucial to know- I am still, very much so, an all-in mom. I just learned that me being an “all-in mom” does not mean that I can’t be an all-in human. I don’t have to stop being kind to myself to show love to my kids. Crazy I’m just figuring this, right?  I know.

But guess what? I’m building a “My Favorite Things List” to share with you because those aren’t exclusively reserved for the likes of Mother Oprah.

Love you. I mean it.

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